A Bike Ride For You

ByJoni Bouchard
More than 200 rode for you!
More than 200 rode for you!

Sunday, June 3, 2012 (one year, 12 days)

Dear Will,

Yesterday we celebrated an amazing event in honour of your Foundation and it was a huge success.  Much bigger than we thought it would be and I am still in awe and overwhelmed at the

Even Nana!
Even Nana!

generousity of our community and our friends.  This place we call home is so very special and I believe that there may not be another place like it on this earth.  I am exhausted on all fronts; physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. and yet my heart, though so broken, is swelling with pride.  Pride for you and the impact that you had on so many and pride for our Village; the Village that helped raise you.  You are missed by so many, Willy, but remembered too, which is all I can ask of anyone and is all I can hope for.

During the Silent Auction, I bid on a purse full of goodies and ended up being the winning bidder.  In it was a book titled How Many People Does it Take to Make a Difference? I thought it quite a statement that I would be the recipient of that book because it was another reminder that you made such a difference in your short life.  And it made me think that everyone that participated in the Bike Ride and the Silent Auction last night made a difference too.   The preliminary calculations are looking like $40,000+ will go to your Foundation!  I can’t find words to explain what that feels like; such a bittersweet thing.  If only you were here with us at home where you should be, enjoying the gifts of the ordinary days I long for.  Oh, what I’d give for that to be true…  But, sadly that will never happen.  Instead, I will remind myself of the good that came out of this weekend; the many friends and family that supported us through your Foundation and I will remember how we all came together to remember you and to help our community heal.  You’d have loved it, Will.  But I think maybe you were there; looking down on us with a big Willy smile and giving us a big thumbs up with both hands.  You definitely are the little big man.

Love you like a bus and more than your bike,

Momxo

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  • My Special Invisible Glasses

    My Sweet Will
    My Sweet Will
    Friday, July 12, 2013 Hey Will, One of the hardest parts of losing you is watching time pass.  The world keeps turning; days turning into weeks and then to months and when I note the date or have to write it on something I shake my head – still not believing that its been two years (actually, 2 years, 52 days).  It seems like yesterday and forever at the same time.  I carry-on (somehow) most days but it isn’t without you on my mind every minute of every day.  I guess it is true that you are a part of me; a part of me that will be forever, and I find comfort in believing that as a mom and a son we are inseparable always.  Innately, I look for you everywhere I go, like I have special invisible glasses that can see you in the smallest of things.  Yesterday while walking through the woods I stopped and took notice of all the different hues of your favourite color, green, that surrounded me; so many trees, tall and short, big and small, both deciduous and coniferous, the bushes abundant with leaves of all shapes and colors of, yes, green.  The forest floor, also green, was covered with plants of all types, new shoots, moss… like a green carpet covering the dark brown fertile soil that provided a rich contrast to all the greenery.  It was beautiful; Mother Nature at one of her finest.  You’ll like this part, Will, for in the next heartbeat, I shuddered to think how many insects (for me, just a nicer sounding word for bugs) there were all around where I stood and instantly I thought how that wouldn’t have bothered you at all.  On the contrary, for surely you’d have looked for the bugs, the spiders, the creepy crawly things, and found the “ickyness” written all over my face quite entertaining.  I felt you with me in that green world and I laughed to myself knowing that while I was noticing all of the green stuff, you’d have been looking at the forest quite differently.  You’d have been looking at the tree trunks, and the branches, wondering how and where you could get up in there and climb, wondering how high you could go without a worry in the world. As my eyes were diverted back down to the ground, they were drawn to a little white flower that sprouted up and out of the soil.  It was small with feathery leaves; bowing its head in my direction… and through my special invisible glasses I saw you. I frequently notice the little things now – like this little white flower, little blue butterflies, even the beauty in a single raindrop; things I’d have not really thought twice about before.  Somehow these invisible glasses also give me a double vision; I see things through my eyes and then through yours. When I stop to look at the beauty in little things, I see you looking back at me and for a moment time stands still. Then when I blink, you’re gone.  I used to cry, straining so hard to find you, to see you, but now I trust that you are there and that I will see you.  It’s a lesson I am happy to have learned for when I tried to see you in the big picture I could never find you.  I know you are never far from me, Will.  We are inseparable, held together by an invisible thread.  You will always be my Will and I will always be your mom.  No one can ever take that away. Love you little son/sun… like a bus and a little white flower in a green world. Momxo The Cord We are connected, my child and I, By an invisible cord not seen by the eye. 

It’s not like the cord that connects us ’til birth, 
This cord can’t be seen by any on earth. 

This cord does its work right from the start
 It binds us together, attached to my heart. 

I know that it’s there, though no one can see 
The invisible cord from my child to me.

 The strength of this cord is hard to describe 
It can’t be destroyed, it can’t be denied. 

It’s stronger than any cord man could create 
It withstands the test, can hold any weight. 

And though you are gone, though you’re not here with me 
The cord is still there, but no one can see. 

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore 
But this cord is my lifeline as never before. 

I am thankful that God connects us this way 
A mother and child, death can’t take it away. ~ author unknown ~

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  • The Gift of a Photo

    Friends Forever: Calvin and Will at age 5
    Friends Forever: Calvin and Will at age 5
    October 27, 2013     Dear Will,   Last night Dad and I went to the Lovenuik’s for dinner.   Your winter ski bud and summer beach bud, Calvin, was there too, choosing a night at home instead of a night out with his friends.  It was really great to see him, Will… though I wished more than anything that you were with us and that you and Calvin could have been hanging out together like it just should be.  I remembered when the two of you first met – at the daycare at the base of the ski hill in Fernie — ski buddies before you even knew how to walk.  The two of you, only 3 weeks apart in age, became great friends seeing each other every weekend during the winter months in Fernie for almost all of your “much too short” life.   Winters full of dinners and play dates, swimming at the aquatic centre and building snow forts on the Lovenuik’s front lawn until you boys were frozen or wet or it was time to go home to bed.  On many of those weekends, you and Calvin would go from building a snow fort outside to building a nest in the linen closet inside where the two of you would sleep.  I find myself both smiling and shaking my head as I write this, wondering how the heck that could have been comfortable.  Then, in the same breath, I remember that for boys, “fun” seems to always trump “comfortable”.   As the two of you grew not much changed.  Sure, your little one piece ski suits became trendy ski jackets and cool pants, your skis got longer, your feet grew bigger, and building snow forts turned into building ski jumps.  You no longer needed your dads to take you swimming for you were old enough to go on your own, the Disney DVDs disappeared replaced by endless hours of watching ski movies over and over and over.  Your friendship circle grew too, encompassing more boys your age, all of them members of the Fernie Freestyle Ski Team; boys that became part of a world that you loved so much.  Ski movies, stickers, ski mags, toques, posters, park passes and helmet cams became the norm.  What never changed though and what I believe would still be true was how much the two of you enjoyed each other’s company and how much your friendship meant to one another.   Seeing Calvin last night and how much he has grown is another bittersweet for me.  (You’d love his hair, Will!)  But, what I will never forget is what he gave to Dad and I after dinner.  He’d come from his bedroom with a photograph (the one above); a photo of the two of you when you guys were about 5.   Two little boys, hamming it up for the camera and as I looked at it my heart went back to that time and to that happy place.  This photo is a treasure; a gift so precious; a gift that’s worth can only truly be understood by a parent who has lost a child.  Sadly, there are no recent photos of you, the last one taken the day before the accident.  Photos of your 12½ years, though they will never be enough, are all we have now and each time I see one that I haven’t seen before my heart wants to take a picture of it so it will always be there.  I will always appreciate another photo, another story, another remembrance of you.  More memories for the memory box that will never be full enough.  Which makes me think… maybe I should put it out there to all who knew you to please share any photos of you that they may have.  All of them are treasures and memories that would mean the world to us.   It was nice to spend an evening with good friends and to see your friend, Calvin, too. I am ever grateful for the “gift of you” that he sent us home with.   Love you little blue.  Like a bus.       Momxo  

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  • Biking for Freedom… and Candy and Ice Cream

    BicyclesTuesday, April 24, 2012 (11 months and 2 days) Hey WillBilly, I got a new bike today.   And I parked it right beside yours.   Side by side they stand next to each other like a mom and a son… mine taller than yours, but not by much, just like the height of you and me.  I am reminded of how important it was that you and your brothers had your bikes; a boy and his bike went hand and hand, like peanut butter and jam.  It always made me so happy that we chose Redwood to call our home; a rare place in a world that is so busy; and a place where boys and bikes could be best friends.  I think back to the freedom that came with being able to ride your bike to the park with your friends without a parent.  What a right of passage, a momentous adventure it was for each of you.  And then to be able to ride to Bragg Creek for ice cream or candy (or both!?)… well, that was the ultimate in freedom at twelve years of age and, in fact, was what you did on that Saturday afternoon of your last weekend with us.  You and Matt rode into Bragg Creek returning with a bag full of “sugar” from the candy store; the little white bag still sits on your desk with the candy you were saving to enjoy later.  You were funny that way; always spacing out the candy consumption – saving bits and pieces for another time, another day.  There were times, Will, (cover your ears!) when I had to throw out some of that candy for fear of it going bad.  For a long time the chocolate Easter bunny that you received last Easter sat on the floor beside your desk, package open and one ear missing because you liked to eat it that way, and I had to throw it out.  You never noticed… or you never said anything and well, I have a hard time believing that you’d have let me throw it out without making a kafuffle.  I can hear it now, “Throw away candy!  Why, Mom, would anyone ever do that!?  That should be against the law!”  Hmmm.  I did win that time… because, like I said, I don’t think you knew. So, now I have a bike too.  Wheels to freedom for me?  Well certainly not in the same way as it was for you, but it will be nice to ride to Bragg Creek along the path to freedom that you enjoyed and then beyond to the beauty of our bigger backyard west of Bragg Creek.  I will always take you with me on my bike, Will, and when I stop for ice cream it will be for you.  I’ll order mango; your favorite. Love you like a bus and all those bike rides to the candy store and for ice cream. Momxo

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  • Our First Halloween Without You

    Rasta Will and "a scary I dont' remember who?"
    Rasta Will and “a scary I dont’ remember who?”
    Monday, October 31, 2011 (162 days) Hey Willy, It’s Halloween today and one of your favourite days of the year.  What could be more perfect than a sack full of candy and a bona fide chance to be silly ALL day?!  A definite shoe-in for an almost perfect WillBilly day… the only thing missing would be snow.  And Read More “Our First Halloween Without You”

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  • The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me

    March 10, 2018 Hey Willy, The other day as I was driving home a song that I hadn’t heard in quite some time played on the radio and in those three or so minutes it was ALL about you. It always amazes me how you can hear a song from a long time ago, even your childhood, and somehow, seemingly out of nowhere, you remember all the words. The song was Rainbow Connection (the Kenny Loggins version) and I can say with certainty that I am a lover and a dreamer for sure. As soon as I heard the banjo in the intro I was surprised at how many of the lyrics I could recall from memory. The power of music is really quite something.
    Click on link below to have a listen… Rainbow Connection
    What was perhaps most beautiful was that I was transformed to a place where it was you and me and nothing else and every word of that song was so clear and believable; it moved me like it never had before. This version was not the original Kermit the Frog version but I sure do remember his skinny, little, green self sitting in the swamp singing out his little lungs in the Muppet Movie. Crazy little green frog with a larger than life personality…. hmmm… sounds a bit like you… I’ve always believed in the magic of rainbows and as a little girl I would make secret wishes and dream of finding the pot of gold at the end every time I saw one. Though I’ve outgrown the pot of gold idea what makes me love them still is the possibility that you are there. And I believe you are. The rainbow connection is alive and well in my little corner of Kermit’s swamp and I wonder, Will, if it’s as clear for you looking at us through those colourful prisms of light. I love the rainbow coloured glasses that Mother Nature gives us so we can catch a glimpse of what awaits on the other side. So, why days later am I writing to you about rainbows? Well, because I’m still humming that song. It’s stuck in my head and speaking to my heart. I think I won’t forget it ever. Sweet boy, I miss you more than any dreamer could dream. And I love you more than a bus parked at the end of a million double rainbows. The lovers, the dreamers, and me could only ever get how much that really is. Momxo

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  • Ten Years.

    ten years
    May 22, 2021

    Dear Will,

    10 years.

    120 months.

    522 weeks.

    3654 days.

    I cannot even put into words how to describe what this momentous passage of time, this significant marker, really feels like other than to tell you that you are still so sadly missed and immensely loved as much as ever. I imagine you are proudly touting your 10 year wings and I’ve no doubt they are bigger, brighter and sparklier than ever. Tonight I will look for you in the nighttime sky… pretty sure you will be the brightest little light up there tonight and before I retire to my bed I promise you I will find a reason to smile for you and because of you. This day feels heavier than usual for me but as I learned all those years ago deep grief is the price of deep love.

    I miss you more than ever, sweet boy, and the big bus love is as real to me now as it was when you first said it to me when I tucked you into your bed when you were a toddler. The beautiful and cool thing is that the bus gets bigger and better with every passing hour, day, week, month and year and just when I think that bus cannot hold one more ounce of love it just does. 

    Ten years. Sigh…

    Momxo



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