Because of You

ByJoni Bouchard
tree
Will’s Santa Hat is our angel on the top of our tree

December 24, 2015

 

Dear Will,

 

For 24 days Christmas has been looming and try as I might to extinguish some of the hype and build-up, to downplay the shopping and wrapping, and gift giving… it still comes… like a Willy in a china shop.  Why do we do it?  Why, when it’s just not right that you’re not going to be sitting with us Christmas morning in your pajama pants, a t-shirt and your hair going in every direction?  This question comes up over and over and over.  And the answer is always the same — because you would have wanted us to celebrate Christmas.  And so we do.

 

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I have sprinkled you all around us.  You are the angel on the top of our tree and the twinkle of the little lights that hang amongst the boughs.  You are many of the ornaments too, as your Fernie ski passes and the special ornaments you made in school when you were little dangle proudly from the branches. 

 

gingerbread

I’ve tucked you here and there and everywhere that I can – the felt gingerbread boy that you stuffed and sewed in grade 2 sits “in” the tree as do the three white fleece snowballs that I bought this year because they reminded me of how much you loved the snow.  All of this and the many snowflake ornaments of all shapes, sizes and colors that glisten and glitter and sparkle are you too.   You are the giver of the four pairs of soft and comfy pajama pants that are wrapped and waiting under the tree for us to open first tomorrow morning… and you are also the gift that we open last – a family jigsaw puzzle that has become part of how we do Christmas now.  Your stocking still hangs in the middle spot of the row and at our Christmas dinner tomorrow evening you will be the frosted white candle that will sit in the middle amongst the greenery that will be the centerpiece on our table.  We will remember Christmases past and recall memory after memory of those special Christmases when we were whole.  Those, Will, we will always, always have.

 

As I sit here in Fernie writing to you, outside big, fluffy snowflakes are falling ever so softly putting a fresh blanket of Willy on everything. Christmas Eve snow is the magic snow they say… and today it’s a double dose of good and beautiful and magic because it’s you.

 

Happy Christmas in heaven, Little Blue.  Thanks for gifting us with the presence of your spirit on all our yesterdays, and for today and tomorrow and everyday.  As I wipe away my tears and follow them with a smile I am reminded that you are never far away, and that you are the answer to many of my questions.   I would do anything for you, Will… even Christmas. 

 

I miss you and I love you.  Like a bus full of Christmas magic.  And big sparkles. 

 

Momxo

 

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    Dear Will,

    Fourteen years to most feels like a long time. Fourteen years to me feels like forever. Sometimes in that forever, it is still hard to breathe. Like today. The beautiful thing though is that it is still possible in that forever to find a reason to smile. You were just that kind of boy. You gave me a million reasons to smile and today I will play those reasons over and over and over in my mind. Something that is not possible though is finding the words to describe how much I miss you. Even though I know you know, Willy. 

    Our bus full of love is bursting and just when I think it is impossible to load one more love you like a bus into it, it lets me. Over and over and over, just like the million reasons you give me to smile today.

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  • The Five or So People You Meet in Heaven

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    Dear Will,

     

    As I’m sure you already know, your Grade 7 teacher (Mrs. Harford) has joined you on the other side and I wonder if you may have been one of the five or so people that met her in heaven? She was so lovely in so many ways and was a teacher that had begun to make a real difference in your learning of important life skills.

     

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    Love you sweet Will. Like a bus carrying the five or so people that met Mrs. Harford in heaven. Stay close to her, Will. She still had so much to teach you.

     

     

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  • Dreams and Wishes

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  • Today, Tomorrow and Thank You

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    Dear Will,

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  • And a New Chapter Begins…

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    Tuesday, August 28, 2018 Dear Will, It’s been a while since I’ve put pen to paper (or as one would say nowadays, fingers to QWERTY keyboard). It is not for lack of thinking of you or talking to you, in fact, it wouldn’t surprise me to hear you say, “you sure do talk a lot, Mom.” Duh, no surprise there. I’ve tried all summer to find the right time to just sit with you instead of nattering to you endlessly while I purged and packed, sold and donated, dumped and repurposed, unpacked and nested, arranged and rearranged…. and I’m still doing it. Summer has been full of all of that and lots of road trips back and forth from Redwood to Fernie. And now, the next chapter has officially begun. This chapter begins with downsizing from our five bedroom home to two (and a bunkie). How novel for the Bouchard’s to own one home instead of maintaining two for so many years. We said goodbye to our home in Redwood on August 6th and though we knew our farewell to 22 years in Redwood Meadows would be difficult, let me just tell you that I created my own little river of tears as I said goodbye to every room in our home. The only thing that kept me sane was knowing that we were relocating to the mountain town where we have played as a family for 28 years. You always said you wanted to move here and well, here we are, Willy! What makes this easier is knowing that you are very much here with us. Not surprising, part of you and us will live in the trees and on the paths beside the river in Redwood Meadows. The indelible memories of having lived the very best of life raising you and your brothers in such a safe and magical place is inseparable. It’s a kind of “you can take the mom out of Redwood but you can’t take Redwood out of the mom” kind of feeling. I do wholeheartedly believe that one cannot ever really leave Redwood. Kind of like the Eagles’ Hotel California in some ways.
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    FernieWillPower
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  • Bounce Bounce Bounce

    beautifulwill.jpg
    My sweet Will.

    November 12, 2017

     Dear Will,

     

    In the still of this Sunday morning I wake to the beauty of this day – it is quiet as I lie here in my bed… the sun is shining, Finn is sleeping at the foot of the bed and my mind is busy making a list of all the stuff that I have intentions of tackling today. And yet, all this aside, my heart yearns for the little voice that is you saying “Mom, please get up. I’ve got people to see and places to go. And bacon would be so awesome this morning!”

     

    I wish I could reply, “Hold on, sweet guy. Relax. It’s 7:20 am and we’ve plenty of time.” I remind myself that whatever I do (or don’t do) today that you are with me every step of the way, every minute of every day. Instead of rushing to get up and get going with my list I succumb to days gone by and I get lost in memories of Sunday mornings when you were at my bedside bugging me to get up. When the tears become too much and I feel like I’m on the slippery slope to not getting out of bed at all, I decide to get up and make myself a big cup of tea. Minutes later, I’m at the kitchen table writing you this letter.

     

    There is a bird in the tree outside my big kitchen window and he seems intent on garnering my attention. A little guy, probably a chickadee, who is bouncing from branch to branch… and I just know it’s you. I stare at him for a few moments until he flitters away. A few minutes later he returns. More bounce bounce bounce.   He stops and looks at me. I imagine he is saying, “I saw you crying in your bed, Mom. Think about the good days and all the happy times. Remember me when I made you smile and we laughed together. If you believe that I am truly with you in this moment, I know I can make you smile.” What happens next? I’m smiling at that bouncing little bird.

     

    He flies away again… and a few minutes later he returns. Bounce bounce bounce. It seems he has more to say. “Just look at me out here on this tree. I’m free as a bird and never far away. I will always be here and when you need me just call my name. I promise I will hear you because I miss you too, Mom.” Ok, I’m still smiling, but I can feel the tears coming again. He continues, “Our journey together will never end, Mom, because we’re a forever thing. I visit you often because I miss you, too, but this jumping from branch to branch thing is a whole lot of fun and you’d have never allowed me to climb this high.” He’s right. The only way he’d have climbed that high is if I wasn’t home.

     

    Gosh, I needed that little bird today. More than all the tea in China. Thanks, sweet Will, for your visit and for your message. It means the world to me.

     

    Love you, sweet boy. More than a bus, little bouncing chickadees and all the tea in China.

     

    Momxo

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