Bounce Bounce Bounce

beautifulwill.jpg
My sweet Will.

November 12, 2017

 Dear Will,

 

In the still of this Sunday morning I wake to the beauty of this day – it is quiet as I lie here in my bed… the sun is shining, Finn is sleeping at the foot of the bed and my mind is busy making a list of all the stuff that I have intentions of tackling today. And yet, all this aside, my heart yearns for the little voice that is you saying “Mom, please get up. I’ve got people to see and places to go. And bacon would be so awesome this morning!”

 

I wish I could reply, “Hold on, sweet guy. Relax. It’s 7:20 am and we’ve plenty of time.” I remind myself that whatever I do (or don’t do) today that you are with me every step of the way, every minute of every day. Instead of rushing to get up and get going with my list I succumb to days gone by and I get lost in memories of Sunday mornings when you were at my bedside bugging me to get up. When the tears become too much and I feel like I’m on the slippery slope to not getting out of bed at all, I decide to get up and make myself a big cup of tea. Minutes later, I’m at the kitchen table writing you this letter.

 

There is a bird in the tree outside my big kitchen window and he seems intent on garnering my attention. A little guy, probably a chickadee, who is bouncing from branch to branch… and I just know it’s you. I stare at him for a few moments until he flitters away. A few minutes later he returns. More bounce bounce bounce.   He stops and looks at me. I imagine he is saying, “I saw you crying in your bed, Mom. Think about the good days and all the happy times. Remember me when I made you smile and we laughed together. If you believe that I am truly with you in this moment, I know I can make you smile.” What happens next? I’m smiling at that bouncing little bird.

 

He flies away again… and a few minutes later he returns. Bounce bounce bounce. It seems he has more to say. “Just look at me out here on this tree. I’m free as a bird and never far away. I will always be here and when you need me just call my name. I promise I will hear you because I miss you too, Mom.” Ok, I’m still smiling, but I can feel the tears coming again. He continues, “Our journey together will never end, Mom, because we’re a forever thing. I visit you often because I miss you, too, but this jumping from branch to branch thing is a whole lot of fun and you’d have never allowed me to climb this high.” He’s right. The only way he’d have climbed that high is if I wasn’t home.

 

Gosh, I needed that little bird today. More than all the tea in China. Thanks, sweet Will, for your visit and for your message. It means the world to me.

 

Love you, sweet boy. More than a bus, little bouncing chickadees and all the tea in China.

 

Momxo


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  • Because of You

    tree
    Will’s Santa Hat is our angel on the top of our tree

    December 24, 2015

     

    Dear Will,

     

    For 24 days Christmas has been looming and try as I might to extinguish some of the hype and build-up, to downplay the shopping and wrapping, and gift giving… it still comes… like a Willy in a china shop.  Why do we do it?  Why, when it’s just not right that you’re not going to be sitting with us Christmas morning in your pajama pants, a t-shirt and your hair going in every direction?  This question comes up over and over and over.  And the answer is always the same — because you would have wanted us to celebrate Christmas.  And so we do.

     

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    I have sprinkled you all around us.  You are the angel on the top of our tree and the twinkle of the little lights that hang amongst the boughs.  You are many of the ornaments too, as your Fernie ski passes and the special ornaments you made in school when you were little dangle proudly from the branches. 

     

    gingerbread

    I’ve tucked you here and there and everywhere that I can – the felt gingerbread boy that you stuffed and sewed in grade 2 sits “in” the tree as do the three white fleece snowballs that I bought this year because they reminded me of how much you loved the snow.  All of this and the many snowflake ornaments of all shapes, sizes and colors that glisten and glitter and sparkle are you too.   You are the giver of the four pairs of soft and comfy pajama pants that are wrapped and waiting under the tree for us to open first tomorrow morning… and you are also the gift that we open last – a family jigsaw puzzle that has become part of how we do Christmas now.  Your stocking still hangs in the middle spot of the row and at our Christmas dinner tomorrow evening you will be the frosted white candle that will sit in the middle amongst the greenery that will be the centerpiece on our table.  We will remember Christmases past and recall memory after memory of those special Christmases when we were whole.  Those, Will, we will always, always have.

     

    As I sit here in Fernie writing to you, outside big, fluffy snowflakes are falling ever so softly putting a fresh blanket of Willy on everything. Christmas Eve snow is the magic snow they say… and today it’s a double dose of good and beautiful and magic because it’s you.

     

    Happy Christmas in heaven, Little Blue.  Thanks for gifting us with the presence of your spirit on all our yesterdays, and for today and tomorrow and everyday.  As I wipe away my tears and follow them with a smile I am reminded that you are never far away, and that you are the answer to many of my questions.   I would do anything for you, Will… even Christmas. 

     

    I miss you and I love you.  Like a bus full of Christmas magic.  And big sparkles. 

     

    Momxo

     


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  • 365 Days Without You…

    beautifulwill.jpg
    My sweet Will

    May 22, 2012 (… one year)

    My dear little Will,

    One year ago today and it feels like minutes and forever all at once.  Flashbacks, tears, trembling, it all comes back to these moments and the impact of the two little words… “I’m sorry”.  Those two words reverberate over and over in my head.  The two words every mom and dad and brother never, ever want to hear, nor should they.  The natural order of things is that it just should never happen this way; you Will, the youngest were supposed to outlive us all.  If only that were true.  As soon as those words left the mouth of the paramedic, there were unfamiliar sounds that came from deep within me, guttural really, and then panic, shock, disbelief and tears that I would not, could not stop and still cannot a year later.  At that moment, all of those emotions hung in the air while I realized that the world as I knew it only moments before was forever changed and forever gone.  I immediately began to miss you more than anything.  All the hope that I was clinging to while the two teams of EMS workers and the STARS ambulance doctors worked on you were replaced by sadness, devastation, emptiness, and a pain deep within my very being; feelings that I cannot even fully describe.  Oh Willy, when I heard the STARS helicopter in the distance, it’s whir coming closer and closer until it was above us and then landed, I thought, “OK.  Now it’ll be good.  STARS is here now.  They’ll take you and dad and me to the Children’s Hospital and it’ll all be good.”   Oh, my dear little boy, I cannot describe how that hope turned to the worst feelings of sadness that I could ever imagine and then questions and numbness.  Unbelievable numbness.  And a hole in my heart that I suddenly realized was never going to mend.  Losing you meant a part of me was lost too.  My life here will never be the same without you.   My heart still so broken.  The pain still so real.   I love you, Willy, more than one could ever imagine, more than a million buses.

    Help me get through this, little blue.  Keep watching over me and Dad and your brothers.  Send us signs and smiles, and know that we will never forget you.  Always remember this, Will; you are forever a part of us and never alone.  We love you and we miss you; from the bottom of our hearts and to the very tips of our toes and then like a bus.

    Momxo


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  • The Little Blue Ball and You

    The little blue ball on the hard to reach ledge
    The little blue ball on the hard to reach ledge
    February 2, 2014 Good morning, my little star, Each day as I make my way down the stairs to the main floor of our home (more times than not with dirty laundry in my arms) I am taken aback by the little blue ball that still sits way up high on the second story above the front door on the ledge under our front feature window.  How did it get there?  Well, I know that YOU know and I know that it wasn’t deliberately “placed” there as you can only reach that narrow ledge with an extendable ladder.  It “ended up” there as a result of a bad shot in the mini sticks hockey shoot-out that occurred regularly (sometimes, daily) on the landing at the top of the staircase to the second story of our house.  The place where the space opens up to a high ceiling, few walls, and a white wooden railing that was the only stopper to that little blue ball ending up downstairs on the floor… or, less likely, on the ledge above the door where it still sits.  I remember the countless times I asked that you boys take the game downstairs where it didn’t matter where or how the ball was hit; downstairs where I could close the door to the basement so I didn’t have to hear the play by play of each shot and the thunk, thunk, thunk, of feet running up and down the stairs to retrieve that little blue ball. What I hear in my head now when I see that ball and what I remember more than anything else is the sound of boys giggling with delight at the simple fun of hitting a little blue ball (a ball soft enough that it couldn’t possibly damage anything) with little hockey sticks.  It’s quite remarkable how things that used to drive me crazy back then speak to me in such a different way now.  How I long for those days where listening to you and your friends, or you and your brothers, just simply laugh because you were having fun.  Its true that in between the laughter there were negotiations and arguments on fair play and sometimes stoppage of play because one of you would get hit with the stick and have to rub your hands together while jumping up and down to shake off the pain.  I also remember the same repeated question I’d get when I asked you to move the game downstairs… “awe, Mom.  Why?  We’re not wrecking anything and its “funner” here.  The shots are more fun when they can go further.”  When I’d respond with a more serious and stern voice that what I needed (wanted) was silence, then and only then, was there compliance.
    the little blue ball
    the little blue ball
    Seeing that little blue ball now conjures up a different feeling.  And with it the yearning that if only I could have those days back, relive those precious moments where the sound of boys laughing and giggling was what really mattered, I’d take them back in a heartbeat.  I have no desire to retrieve that little ball from where it now sits because it is a reminder of you and that makes me smile.  It took a long time before my tears turned into smiles upon seeing that little ball but somehow even through the tears I knew that I didn’t want to take it down, that in time it would become another sacred memory of you.  And now that’s what it is. From time to time  (ok, once) I had to maneuver the long, awkward (and scary) extendible ladder into the house and get my butt up there to dust that ledge.  That was a while ago and I’ll need to do it again soon, as the dust seemingly multiplies faster in the places where you can’t reach easily.  Once up there I put the little blue ball in the pocket of my sweatshirt while I “swiffered” the dust onto the floor below.  Before I carefully placed the ball in the exact same spot where it landed on that mini sticks game day, I cupped both my hands around it and brought it to my face.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and planted a kiss on it as if it were your cheek.  That place is now home to that little blue ball.  And I’m pretty sure it always will be. Love you, little blue (hah!).  More than a bus on top of a tall, hard to reach ledge. Momxo

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  • Shorts For You, A Cozy Sweater For Me, and a Pocket Full of Rocks for Us

    ourwill copy.jpg

    September 30, 2020

    My sweet boy,

    Fall has arrived. It surprises me every year how the first, tiny hints of yellow leaves in late August turn into a splendor of yellow in just a few short weeks. How the mornings go from warm, doors-wide-open and coffee outside on the deck to cool, brisk mornings, cozy sweaters and coffee in front of the fireplace. Aahhh… but I do love this transition. And so, this week I traded my shorts and sleeveless tops for cozy sweaters and warm socks all the while knowing that you’re still wearing shorts up there.

    I am sitting this early, fall morning in front of the fireplace with a big cup of coffee, our big brown dog at my feet reminiscing over memories of you and your brothers and how you guys would hold onto summer for as long as you could. Succumbing to fall didn’t happen until it snowed, it seemed. I smile remembering how as September waned and the mornings turned cool you and your brothers would defy wearing pants – always deferring to shorts. Some of those mornings were darn cold. Most days the grass would be white with frost as you’d bolt out the front door to catch the school bus. Hoodies were the thing, of course, and at least you guys would put those on. I remember watching from the front window as you waited for the bus; your skinny, spindly legs shaking, your hands tucked in the front pocket of your hoodie, shoulders up to your ears, looking like a turtle with your overstuffed backpack slung on your back. I remember suggesting many a morning that wearing pants might be a good option, but not until water puddles turned to ice and stayed frozen would you and your brothers succumb to that mom tip (and for what its worth, a natural consequence was always a better convincing tool in the ‘ole parenting handbook ). Packing away those summer shorts was a sad day in our house. Stretching out summer for as long as possible was the norm and looking back on my own childhood it was the very same.

    When you’d return home from school your backpack was even more stuffed because the hoodie that kept you from freezing in the morning was now sort of, somewhat, portions of it anyway, tucked into your backpack. I recall the thunk of your backpack hitting the floor at the front door because of the weight of all it held… a textbook or two, your agenda, your lunchbox, a gym strip (if you hadn’t forgot it), your pencil box and homework (if you hadn’t forgot it), your iPod and some miscellaneous odds and ends… remember the yo-yo stage and the coveted binder of Pokémon cards and hockey cards? I smile recalling how you’d barely set foot inside the door to shed your pack and yell, “Mom, I’m home!” only to turn around and run back out the door because playing outside was the best part of your day. Gosh, I loved that so much.

    And, then there were all the pockets full of rocks. I remember, (most times with an eye roll) how I’d routinely check all your pockets before I put a load of laundry into the washing machine. There is something unnerving about hearing rocks roll around in the washer… and there were many that went undetected… which is why I had to check your pockets. A pocket full of rocks seemed to be a regular occurrence in our family… your brothers, too, loved rocks and it is no secret that I love them too. I frequently return with a rock or two and sometimes a pocket full (I take back all the eye roll). I guess the apples didn’t fall far from the proverbial tree.

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    You and your pals. Brent and Jordan.

    I think loving the fall season in all it’s splendor might be something one acquires a love for as one gets older. It is certainly true for me. Saying goodbye to summer seems a bit easier now as the furnace kicks in. So, hello fall, I’m ready for you. Cozy sweater and all. In a bit, I’ll head out for a walk with Finn and undoubtedly I’ll return with a rock or two or a pocket full. I’m pretty sure, Willy, that you’ll help me find the best ones.

    I love you, sweet one. More than a bus and more than a cozy sweater for me, shorts for you and a pocket full of rocks for us.

    Momxo

    willandme
    You and me finding rocks in Fernie.


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  • Mother’s Day without you

    Holding you close always and forever
    Holding you close always and forever
    Mothers Day, Sunday, May 12, 2013 (721 days) Dear Will, It’s not an easy day for me. I woke this morning and tried a couple of times to get out of bed, but I just couldn’t do it.  I took the Kleenex box back to bed with me and stayed there all morning. I am trying to find happiness in remembering all the Mothers Day’s I had with you; the breakfasts in bed, the dinners you and your brothers and Dad prepared, the handmade gifts you made at school and the most beautiful handmade cards that I loved more than anything. I have saved them all.  I considered them treasures always but now that I will never have another from you they are more precious than anything I own. As I write you this letter I am sitting on a blanket beside the rock and your tree at Heaven’s Gate; the place where we lost you forever almost two years ago.  It is both so very sad to be here but in some ways, comforting too. Memories of that day and the fun you were having here are as crystal clear as if it were yesterday and in the quiet times in between the birds chirping and a squirrel behind me in the forest chattering away I can hear your laugh and your voice. But, in the next breath as the tears trickle down my cheeks I, too, remember how it all came to an end and our world was changed forever. Before I sat down I opened a bag of wildflower seeds that I brought along with me and sprinkled it all around the rocks and the base of your tree. In a month or two from now I am hopeful that I can sit here amongst the wild flowers; this spot already beautiful but a little closer to heaven I think with a mix of wildflowers shining their faces up towards the sun during the day and bowing their heads at night as if praying for another day to keep you company. I am in no rush to leave this little place of heaven on earth. I will finish up the cup of tea that I also brought along before I pack up the blanket and my iPad and head back home.  Dad and your brothers are going to put together dinner for me this evening. We will talk about and remember the Mother’s Days when you, too, were at the table with us.  And we will all miss you so very, very much Love you, little one.  More than a bus. Momxo

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  • Sixteen Octobers and a Little Yellow Butterfly

     

    willjordbrent.jpg
    A long gone unforgettable October day with Brent and Jordan

    Tuesday, October 7, 2014

     

     

    Dear Will,

     

    For seven days now memories of the beautiful day in October when you were born are all I think about. Each year since your tragic passing it has been the same — as soon as September turns to October your birthday consumes me. On the first day of every October you would start by announcing, “14 days till my birthday!” and in the next breath, “What are we gonna do!?” Then the countdown would begin. A week from today you would have reached a milestone birthday – you’d be 16 years old. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around this because 16 seemed so far away when we celebrated your 12th birthday and what would be your last with us here. Like your brothers and most everybody turning 16, I suppose that getting your drivers license would be the first and most important thing on your list and right about now I imagine that you’d be scouring the Alberta Drivers License booklet refreshing yourself of all the facts you’d need to know so you could pass your drivers test. “Mom, can you quiz me?” “Can you ask me some questions after dinner?” “Mom, I think I’ve got it! But please can you ask me some more questions?” “Please, pretty please…?” As October 14th approaches I wish more than anything that you were here driving me crazy with your persistent excitement at turning 16 years old. Gosh, Will, if only it were different…

     

    Instead, the memories of the twelve birthdays we celebrated together hit me like ocean waves rolling up on the beach. One memory after another conjures up endless pictures in my mind, numerous conversations and laughs we shared, and all the angel food cakes, icecream, and pizzas that were part of your special day. I remember all the places we went (bowling, gymnastics, swimming, and movies) and the times, too, when we had your birthday party at home. I think of how our kitchen table was surrounded by your friends, all with orange-dyed lips from the orange pop that you loved so much. Each time I write the word October or hear it in conversation or see it on a calendar or a piece of paper I feel sad; sad for what should be, for what you missed, and for what we missed too. It’ll never be right that you didn’t see sixteen Octobers.

     

    With you ever present in my mind and while walking Finn down by the river this afternoon, a little yellow butterfly appeared. In an instant I knew it was you and as I walked and Finn chased his ball I talked to you. It felt nice to say your name and so I said it over and over. When I’d stop to pick up the ball with the chucker the little yellow butterfly would stop too. And then start. And then stop. This went on for quite some time and while tears rolled down my cheeks I noticed I was smiling too. You have this way, Will, of showing up when I need you, of validating my belief that you really are here and that you are never far away. As I struggle with what would have been your sixteenth October I applaud that little yellow butterfly that so profoundly visited Finn and me this afternoon. Thank you for finding me.

     

    I love you, Willy. More than a bus and sixteen million Octobers.

     

     

    Momxo


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0 Comments

  1. Joni, I’m reading your words in bed myself, as I think about my own to-dos for the day. It’s so easy for me to align my mothers heart with yours, to imagine how much you must miss your son every day, no matter how many years pass. Sending you an early morning hug. I’m so glad that little chickadee found you and delivered a message. xo

    1. katrina, what a gift to see your name here this morning. I have been thinking about you so much after I read your latest post. You just know how to shed perspective on all things. And perhaps it was your reminder that helped me see and hear that little chickadee on Sunday morning. Such a gift. And something I needed to hear so very much. A couple of months ago I watched a beautiful video about eye contact and it goes hand in hand with your message. If you haven’t yet seen it, take a look. I think it’ll make your eyes smile. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qSLJ3JDIDgY

      Thanks again, for the gift of your message this morning. I just think you’re the bees knees. Xo

  2. Beautiful Joni. Love your perspective on this early morning, I can feel it. I can feel your heart and your tears. As the snow falls this morning I am thinking of your beautiful boy. XO

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