Mother’s Day without you

Holding you close always and forever

Holding you close always and forever

Mothers Day, Sunday, May 12, 2013 (721 days)

Dear Will,

It’s not an easy day for me. I woke this morning and tried a couple of times to get out of bed, but I just couldn’t do it.  I took the Kleenex box back to bed with me and stayed there all morning. I am trying to find happiness in remembering all the Mothers Day’s I had with you; the breakfasts in bed, the dinners you and your brothers and Dad prepared, the handmade gifts you made at school and the most beautiful handmade cards that I loved more than anything. I have saved them all.  I considered them treasures always but now that I will never have another from you they are more precious than anything I own.

As I write you this letter I am sitting on a blanket beside the rock and your tree at Heaven’s Gate; the place where we lost you forever almost two years ago.  It is both so very sad to be here but in some ways, comforting too. Memories of that day and the fun you were having here are as crystal clear as if it were yesterday and in the quiet times in between the birds chirping and a squirrel behind me in the forest chattering away I can hear your laugh and your voice. But, in the next breath as the tears trickle down my cheeks I, too, remember how it all came to an end and our world was changed forever.

Before I sat down I opened a bag of wildflower seeds that I brought along with me and sprinkled it all around the rocks and the base of your tree. In a month or two from now I am hopeful that I can sit here amongst the wild flowers; this spot already beautiful but a little closer to heaven I think with a mix of wildflowers shining their faces up towards the sun during the day and bowing their heads at night as if praying for another day to keep you company.

I am in no rush to leave this little place of heaven on earth. I will finish up the cup of tea that I also brought along before I pack up the blanket and my iPad and head back home.  Dad and your brothers are going to put together dinner for me this evening. We will talk about and remember the Mother’s Days when you, too, were at the table with us.  And we will all miss you so very, very much

Love you, little one.  More than a bus.


10 thoughts on “Mother’s Day without you

  1. Just thinking of what a wonderful mom you were/are… If I were your son looking down(which I know he is) I would bring sunshine to that patch of seeds and my sun would have a great big smile… Just think of the joy of being a mom has fulfilled your life. Fast forward I am sure you will be the kind of grandma a child would love to call nana or gama or what ever… I know this might not help now but I am proud of my grandson being proud of his mom for being a bed maker. Thank God we our other kids and family to help us though our days of grief. Thinking of you lots. LYLAS (love you like a sister) Carol


  2. Dear Joni:
    You write so beautifully. It’s probably because you are really “talking” to Will that it is so full that unmistakable “mom talk” to her son. I certainly did think of you on Mother’s Day knowing that you would be hurting and longing for the Mother’s Days when Will was still here. You are and always will be his mom; that part never changes. That mothering shaped him and made him the awesome boy he was. Wishing you peace and hugs Joni. Take care💜💜


  3. ‘Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees and fruit can not grow without water.’ Happy Mothers Day Joni. Sending you love and hugs tonight. xoxo


    • Kaylie, those words… those words so beautiful and so true. I really needed to hear them. Thank you. And, Happy Mom’s Day to you, too. Hug your precious three boys tight and then hug them again for me. Thanks for your love. And your hugs, too.


  4. Beautiful you are sweet sister of mine and we are thinking of you …and Will… as this is a special day and you must remember you are always the greatest mom in our eyes as well as your sons’ eyes! Love you like a sandwich with a lil dillwilly on the side as well xoxo
    One World…Lotsa Love!


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