November 12, 2017
In the still of this Sunday morning I wake to the beauty of this day – it is quiet as I lie here in my bed… the sun is shining, Finn is sleeping at the foot of the bed and my mind is busy making a list of all the stuff that I have intentions of tackling today. And yet, all this aside, my heart yearns for the little voice that is you saying “Mom, please get up. I’ve got people to see and places to go. And bacon would be so awesome this morning!”
I wish I could reply, “Hold on, sweet guy. Relax. It’s 7:20 am and we’ve plenty of time.” I remind myself that whatever I do (or don’t do) today that you are with me every step of the way, every minute of every day. Instead of rushing to get up and get going with my list I succumb to days gone by and I get lost in memories of Sunday mornings when you were at my bedside bugging me to get up. When the tears become too much and I feel like I’m on the slippery slope to not getting out of bed at all, I decide to get up and make myself a big cup of tea. Minutes later, I’m at the kitchen table writing you this letter.
There is a bird in the tree outside my big kitchen window and he seems intent on garnering my attention. A little guy, probably a chickadee, who is bouncing from branch to branch… and I just know it’s you. I stare at him for a few moments until he flitters away. A few minutes later he returns. More bounce bounce bounce. He stops and looks at me. I imagine he is saying, “I saw you crying in your bed, Mom. Think about the good days and all the happy times. Remember me when I made you smile and we laughed together. If you believe that I am truly with you in this moment, I know I can make you smile.” What happens next? I’m smiling at that bouncing little bird.
He flies away again… and a few minutes later he returns. Bounce bounce bounce. It seems he has more to say. “Just look at me out here on this tree. I’m free as a bird and never far away. I will always be here and when you need me just call my name. I promise I will hear you because I miss you too, Mom.” Ok, I’m still smiling, but I can feel the tears coming again. He continues, “Our journey together will never end, Mom, because we’re a forever thing. I visit you often because I miss you, too, but this jumping from branch to branch thing is a whole lot of fun and you’d have never allowed me to climb this high.” He’s right. The only way he’d have climbed that high is if I wasn’t home.
Gosh, I needed that little bird today. More than all the tea in China. Thanks, sweet Will, for your visit and for your message. It means the world to me.
Love you, sweet boy. More than a bus, little bouncing chickadees and all the tea in China.
Beautiful Joni. Love your perspective on this early morning, I can feel it. I can feel your heart and your tears. As the snow falls this morning I am thinking of your beautiful boy. XO
Thank you, my friend.
Joni, I’m reading your words in bed myself, as I think about my own to-dos for the day. It’s so easy for me to align my mothers heart with yours, to imagine how much you must miss your son every day, no matter how many years pass. Sending you an early morning hug. I’m so glad that little chickadee found you and delivered a message. xo
katrina, what a gift to see your name here this morning. I have been thinking about you so much after I read your latest post. You just know how to shed perspective on all things. And perhaps it was your reminder that helped me see and hear that little chickadee on Sunday morning. Such a gift. And something I needed to hear so very much. A couple of months ago I watched a beautiful video about eye contact and it goes hand in hand with your message. If you haven’t yet seen it, take a look. I think it’ll make your eyes smile. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qSLJ3JDIDgY
Thanks again, for the gift of your message this morning. I just think you’re the bees knees. Xo