Friday, July 12, 2013
One of the hardest parts of losing you is watching time pass. The world keeps turning; days turning into weeks and then to months and when I note the date or have to write it on something I shake my head – still not believing that its been two years (actually, 2 years, 52 days). It seems like yesterday and forever at the same time. I carry-on (somehow) most days but it isn’t without you on my mind every minute of every day. I guess it is true that you are a part of me; a part of me that will be forever, and I find comfort in believing that as a mom and a son we are inseparable always. Innately, I look for you everywhere I go, like I have special invisible glasses that can see you in the smallest of things. Yesterday while walking through the woods I stopped and took notice of all the different hues of your favourite color, green, that surrounded me; so many trees, tall and short, big and small, both deciduous and coniferous, the bushes abundant with leaves of all shapes and colors of, yes, green. The forest floor, also green, was covered with plants of all types, new shoots, moss… like a green carpet covering the dark brown fertile soil that provided a rich contrast to all the greenery. It was beautiful; Mother Nature at one of her finest. You’ll like this part, Will, for in the next heartbeat, I shuddered to think how many insects (for me, just a nicer sounding word for bugs) there were all around where I stood and instantly I thought how that wouldn’t have bothered you at all. On the contrary, for surely you’d have looked for the bugs, the spiders, the creepy crawly things, and found the “ickyness” written all over my face quite entertaining. I felt you with me in that green world and I laughed to myself knowing that while I was noticing all of the green stuff, you’d have been looking at the forest quite differently. You’d have been looking at the tree trunks, and the branches, wondering how and where you could get up in there and climb, wondering how high you could go without a worry in the world.
As my eyes were diverted back down to the ground, they were drawn to a little white flower that sprouted up and out of the soil. It was small with feathery leaves; bowing its head in my direction… and through my special invisible glasses I saw you. I frequently notice the little things now – like this little white flower, little blue butterflies, even the beauty in a single raindrop; things I’d have not really thought twice about before. Somehow these invisible glasses also give me a double vision; I see things through my eyes and then through yours. When I stop to look at the beauty in little things, I see you looking back at me and for a moment time stands still. Then when I blink, you’re gone. I used to cry, straining so hard to find you, to see you, but now I trust that you are there and that I will see you. It’s a lesson I am happy to have learned for when I tried to see you in the big picture I could never find you. I know you are never far from me, Will. We are inseparable, held together by an invisible thread. You will always be my Will and I will always be your mom. No one can ever take that away.
Love you little son/sun… like a bus and a little white flower in a green world.
We are connected, my child and I,
By an invisible cord not seen by the eye.
It’s not like the cord that connects us ’til birth,
This cord can’t be seen by any on earth.
This cord does its work right from the start
It binds us together, attached to my heart.
I know that it’s there, though no one can see
The invisible cord from my child to me.
The strength of this cord is hard to describe
It can’t be destroyed, it can’t be denied.
It’s stronger than any cord man could create
It withstands the test, can hold any weight.
And though you are gone, though you’re not here with me
The cord is still there, but no one can see.
It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.
I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child, death can’t take it away.
~ author unknown ~