Thursday, August 18, 2011 (89 days)
Today I met with Mrs. McLaren at your school and mine, too. She kindly bought me a latte and we shared a piece of banana bread while we talked about you and all the things that made you so special to Banded Peak. I have decided that I’d like to return to the school for a couple of days a week and so we talked about that too. To be there everyday would be just too difficult and as I explained to Mrs. McLaren I have some work to do on me. I have to grow that new appendage… remember the starfish story? When a starfish loses one of it’s “arms” it grows a new one and I was telling her that when I lost you, I lost one of my “arms” and that arm will always be with you… you, being only twelve, still needed your mom and, gosh, as your mom I still needed you too. I don’t know what my new appendage will look like but I am on a mission to grow a fabulous one because it will be for you. One could also call it finding my new purpose here on earth; finding a reason to live out my days until I am reunited with you. I think she understood what I was trying to say. We discussed that I will not work in your grade grouping as that would be torturous really. But I think being at the school in a lower grade might be good for me. Another bittersweet, Will… and boy oh boy, my world is filled with those.
I explained to Mrs. McLaren that sometimes my eyes will well up with tears while at work but that maybe my tears didn’t have to be a negative; that maybe the kids would see that being sad is part of being human — that even adults have tears sometimes and that it is ok. Maybe my emotions would bring out their emotions and maybe, just maybe, bring down their “walls”; especially the kids that come to school and hide amongst the turmoil of anxiety, the ones that have tummy aches and tears and sadness and behavior issues, etc. I told her how great it might be for them to see that they are helping me too and that it wouldn’t be just me helping them. Life is a two way street and working together could help them and me all at the same time. I know that there will be times when it will be overwhelmingly sad and I will have to excuse myself and maybe leave for a few minutes, but she told me that would be ok and completely understandable. I am so grateful for the school and the support I have there.
You have impacted so many, Will, and I will need you to help me through this. Help me understand that it is right and good for me to go back. Give me the strength I will need daily and the courage to show that being human has all kinds of faces; some happy and some really sad. Sit proudly on my left shoulder where the boy angels sit everyday I am there. I will need you there WITH me…. because that is where you should be. And, by the way, Willy, when I grow my new “arm”, this starfish Mom of yours will still always need you.
Love you more than five arms,